Five Steps to Better Relationships
August 5, 2020
In some ways, this whole COVID mess has separated us from one another. In other settings, it has brought us closer together; and, by closer together I mean in proximity, not necessarily relationally. Some of you have been thrown together inside the house with your spouse, your child, your in-law, in a way you never have been before. In some cases, you’ve enjoyed that newfound closeness. You’ve been able to have conversations that have caused your relationship to grow and flourish. In other cases, the nearness has not been positive. Perhaps, you’ve gotten on each other’s nerves, and you don’t know what to do about it.
As I was going through some old files recently, I ran across an article by Jill Savage. She shares a few steps that can help us move toward healthier relationships in our lives. We can all use a bit of help on how to relate to others in a more loving and Christian way.
One of the things I remember about being at my grandpa’s house (we called him Papa George) was a magnifying glass that he kept on the table beside his chair. He used it later in life to be able to see things in the newspaper, or to read stuff that had come in the mail.
When you look at something under magnification it looks bigger than it really is. The magnified image is no longer reflective of real life because you’re seeing one thing larger than the other things around it. Magnifying something can give an exaggerated sense of how significant something really is.
The people we live with are imperfect human beings. They have faults. They make mistakes. They let us down on occasion. In these days of increased closeness, it can become easy to look at others’ faults through a magnifying glass. I’ll even venture to say that someone – the god of this world – the enemy who wants to steal, divide, and destroy – helps to position the magnifying lens on the actions or attitudes that cause us the most hurt, disappointment, or rejection. (John 10:10 and I Peter 5:8)
Without realizing it, we move from believing the best about our spouse, our child, our relative, or our friend to believing the worst about them. With their faults maximized and their strengths minimized, we slowly close off our heart to them. Before we know it, a relational wall has been erected by our skewed perspective and unrealistic expectations (for example, that they won’t make mistakes, that they should have made a different decision, etc.).
That relational wall begins a process of separation in our heart and mind. It divides our loyalties and moves us away from the relationship rather than towards the relationship that means so much to us. It’s usually not the big things that kill relationships. It’s often the little things that accumulate over time. Looking at faults through a magnifying glass is a little thing that can do damage over the long haul unless we do something about it.
Here are five ways to begin seeing others in a more balanced way:
1) Move the magnifying glass. Move your focus from what they do wrong to what they do right. If you’re finding yourself critical of, or angry, or disgusted, with your spouse, you’ve likely had tunnel vision on their imperfections. Sit down and make a list of their strengths and what they contribute positively to the relationship.
2) Stay focused on what you love.
If you focus on what bothers you, all you will see are the things that tick you off. Keep your eyes on what you love so you fill your heart with love.
3) Believe the best about your loved one. Resist the urge to make their mistake a personal offense towards you. Beware of statements you might make to yourself like, “If he really loved me he wouldn’t have done that,” or “She did that just to tick me off.” These kinds of statements are fertilizer to negative emotions.
4) Get perspective. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? In the big scheme of things, is this really a big deal? When you measure this imperfection, mistake, or disappointment against all the good things about the person, you may begin to see that this situation doesn’t need to define your whole relationship. You need spiritual perspective as well. Remind yourself who the real enemy is (Satan), and what his agenda is (to divide and destroy). Don’t let yourself get sucked into his distraction and deception.
5) Learn to move forward. Sometimes we need to give grace, forgive, and let it go. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with the person, but only after our emotions have calmed down. And sometimes we need to realize that our own pride or insecurity is the bigger issue here, and it’s helpful to move the magnifying glass from our loved one to ourselves for a few convicting minutes. But don’t let it sit there for too long, or you’ll move from conviction to condemnation of yourself in no time.
That old magnifying glass of Papa George’s had its place in this world. It helped him see things more clearly at times. Magnifying glasses in relationships can do the same. It all depends on what you’re looking at.
What about you? Do you need to reposition your magnifying glass toward more positive areas?
Grace and peace
Pastor Ross
Maybe you remember when you were little and growing from year to year. Your parent marked the door frame with each new year. Your appetite increased and you could eat a whole rotisserie chicken! Literally! One day you were reaching over the table top with your hands to find the candy bowl, and the next you were looking down into it (empty because your parents started hiding it better). And from time to time you would have an ache in your arms or legs or shoulders. “Growing pains,” you were told. It didn’t make sense, but then again how do you make a bone bigger except by stretching it out. Regardless, it hurt. Growing pains are a good thing though. They are physical reminders of progress and development. They are tangible signs that you are trying to fill more space in a growing environment. They hurt, but good things often do. You’ve read the letter by now about our financial challenges, and you’ve felt the changes to our church body. Now I’ll admit, it’s easy to see these as markers of death. We hear about how we live in a post-Christian world; how so may churches are losing members and property and more; and we see a world that doesn’t see the value in church life as it used to. It’s so easy to see these pains as inevitable and a sign of the end… But that’s human-you thinking. Human-you knows we all have an expiration—an end. Human-you sees pain and tries to avoid it. Human-you doesn’t like this pain. But friends, we just got done celebrating Easter. We celebrate the resurrection and life anew of Jesus Christ, and if you are paying attention, you know that resurrection is for you too. That death is not the end of you either. You are human, yes. But you are also divine! So church, would you start thinking like the divine being you are? Because divine-you knows pain in a new way, or rather an old, old way. Divine-you knows pain means you no longer fit in the space you’ve been occupying, that you are outgrowing the environment around you. Divine- you knows that you’re about to be asked to do something bigger and you’ll need to be bigger to do it. Divine-you knows that your Holy Parent in God loves you and is creating you new today with as much care as when you were first created. Divine-you knows that these too, are growing pains. Not meant to mark your end, but instead… your new beginning. Friends, I believe in the future our community will look at us and say with curiosity, “My how you’ve grown!” And we will respond by saying, “Thanks be to God!” -Pastor Stephan
Life often presents us with unexpected changes and transitions that leave us asking, “What’s next?” or “Why me?” We try to predict the future and prepare, but the future remains unclear, filled with uncertainties. For those of us who enjoy solving problems, and detailed plans, this sense of uncertainty can stir up feelings of unease, anxiety, fear, and even distress. To call the season of the unknown “uncomfortable” would be an understatement. It’s a season we can’t simply avoid or predict—it comes to us through our choices or circumstances beyond our control. I'm sure you've experienced seasons of change, just as I have—especially when making significant life choices and decisions. In those moments of change, relocation, moves or loss, it’s often easy to look back and focus on the people, things, and ideal circumstances of our past. But with a change in perspective, we may begin to see God’s hand in our journey. Abraham provides a powerful example of faith in the face of uncertainty. In Genesis, God called him to leave his homeland and journey to an unknown destination, revealing only that He would show him the way (Genesis 12:1). Despite not knowing where he was going or what lay ahead, Abraham trusted God's plan. He left behind the familiar—his family, his home—embracing an unknown future based entirely on God’s promise. Along the way, he faced numerous challenges and uncertainties, yet he continued to trust in God’s faithfulness and guidance. Like Abraham, I have often found myself deep in the midst of the unknown, the unfamiliar, the unplanned, yet somehow sensed God presence with me. My guess is, you have been in the same space. In the world and culture which we live today, in our own families, through loved ones we no longer have with us here, even here at Church, change is constant. I don’t like change. I want things back to where they were—or at least, the way I liked them. Yet it is these moments of change, I’ve realized some huge God-gifts. First is that God is my constant—in an ever-changing world. No matter what I’m going through, God is ever present. Too, I’ve learned that if my desire is to grow as an individual, a husband, a dad, a friend, a pastor, a disciple of Jesus the Christ, I must be in the constant rhythm of change. There is no possible way I can grow in any area of my life without my willingness to change. Have you ever thought of that? You see, our faith grows as we learn to trust that God will guide us and provide for us, just as it says in Philippians 4:19— no matter the upheavals of change in our lives and there’s no need to fear. Seasons change, but God remains unchanging (Psalms 102:27). Our role in this journey is to: Stay connected to God and seek God’s guidance through Scripture, and Godly friends. Be open to God’s voice, even when it isn’t what we want to hear. Avoid relying too much on others—no matter how close they are—for fulfillment or progress. At the same time, embrace support and care from those around you. Apply God’s guidance, even when it feels uncertain. Though the unknowns of change can breed fear, anxiety and doubt, we can know that God is guiding, nudging, shaping and growing us all along our seas of change. Seasons change. The unknown is scary. Yet growth without change isn’t possible. And God is with us, even when we are not so sure….. -Pastor Ray
God, I am open to new growth in you. Amen . - Those are the words we charged you with at the beginning of the year. For 2025 we’re focused on growth! And we were clear when we said we were unclear what exactly that will look like. Maybe it will be growing in a deeper relationship/ knowledge of God. Maybe it will be growing in our capacity to love our neighbor. But we said we would celebrate the growth we notice along the way, and I want to tell you about some growth that we’re seeing. Over the last two months we have seen: + 16 new faces in worship on Sunday morning (A number of those visitors say they have been watching online and finally decided to visit in person) + A group of young adults are working to build a new Sunday School class for Sunday mornings + Aldersgate worship is growing in person and online + Stephen Ministry is launching soon and has over 20 people applying + We have 8 families who are joining our Pathways to Generosity by giving for the very first time + The Community Medical Closet is full and ready to support our neighbors in need. Those are just a few of the tangible ways we can see growth happening. And I’ll speak for myself and Ray and say we have been encouraged by the depth of questions and concerns over Christian matters for the world, and the investment in being a missional community in new ways has been a huge area of growth as well! Now before I send you off with a question like ‘where do you see growth?’ I want to acknowledge a few places where there might be a need for growth. Our Refugee Resettlement Team is no longer able to do the amazing work it’s been doing because of the changes to immigration from various levels of the government. Are we called to step up in a new way here? Our Afterschool still does not have a director, and Melissa is doing everything she can to keep it going (and she’s doing a great job, btw). Is there something new God is calling us to in this space of ministry? These are all vital and important questions, and I hope you will take them into this next season, along with your own eye for seeing the growth in front of you. Oh, that next season? It’s Lent! A time for us to sacrificially walk alongside Jesus in service to the world and love for God. If that isn’t a good time for growth I don’t know what is. -Stephan Margeson
As we begin a new year, how’s your faith doing? Have you ever thought that true faith is about surrendering everything. It’s about putting all your hope in God’s faithfulness to His promises. We often hear the phrase “just have faith,” but in our culture, it’s become a quick fix for situations where we don’t have clear answers. While faith certainly forms the foundation of our walk with Jesus, it’s not enough to merely claim we have it. Faith that isn’t backed by both inner transformation and outward action is empty. Saying “I have faith” is meaningless if our hearts and lives don’t align with that statement. True faith is an active, bold trust in God’s grace—a trust so deep we’d be willing to risk everything, even our lives. Scripture offers us a vivid example of initiating faith through the story of Peter. Peter, often mocked for his impulsive actions, was deeply devoted to Jesus. In Matthew 14:25–29, we see Peter given the chance to act on his faith by stepping out of the boat and walking toward Jesus, despite the raging storm. While others might criticize him, we must acknowledge the boldness of his decision. Stepping out in faith can sometimes make us look foolish—if Jesus doesn’t show up, we might appear completely misguided. But real faith involves taking risks that only make sense if God comes through. We all want to experience the miraculous, like walking on water, but none of us is eager to take the first step off the boat. It’s time to put our faith into action, even when it feels uncomfortable. Faith is a vision of the heart that recognizes God’s presence in both the darkness and the light. Of course, Peter wasn’t perfect. He famously denied Jesus three times, despite his earlier acts of faith—like walking on water with Him! Yet his story didn’t end in failure. After his denial, Peter went on to die as a martyr for his unwavering faith. This shows that faith isn’t a one-time burst of energy; it’s a journey, one that shifts and grows through life’s trials and triumphs. Faith can waver, but it’s important to hold on and continue acting on the faith God has given us. How is your faith influencing your actions? What changes in your life could better reflect the faith you profess? -Pastor Ray
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I so hope that this season is filled with joy for you. It has been my absolute pleasure to serve the people of Front Street and the community of Burlington this past year. Can I tell you my favorite part? Not once, not twice, but actually dozens of times this year I met someone in the community who told me what they think of Front Street. And the things that they say . . . are really wonderful! They tell me how they love the events we’ve put on like the Pancake Supper in February and the Market for Missions in November. They tell me how amazing it is that we serve hundreds of families at Eastlawn Elementary with food and love and support. They tell me they know someone at Front Street who is loving and hospitable. I bet that’s you! Church, the community sees you and celebrates the ways you follow Christ. Which to me is a look ahead. What will Front Street do in 2025? Well, I think it will grow in its love to neighbor. Why more growth when you already do so much good? Simply put, because the needs of the community are growing. And when the needs of the world grow God’s people step up and meet those growing needs. That’s just how God’s economy of grace works. So where people are hungry in body or in spirit, we will feed them. Where people are without a home in the world or after the world, we will house them. Where people are sick in their body or their mind, we will heal them. And if that seems like a tall order to you, you’re right. Which is why we will need to grow as disciples. God has always been our source of strength and we will need to learn to rely on God more and more. I hope you’ll get some rest in this season. You’ve earned it. And you’ll also need it for the work ahead. I can’t wait to hear what people will say next? -Pastor Stephan
Advent is a sacred season of anticipation and preparation, a time to reflect on the coming of Christ. While the busyness of the holidays can dominate our attention, Advent invites us to pause and focus on the true reason for the season: the arrival of Jesus, our Savior. Marking the beginning of the church calendar, Advent is a time to prepare not just our homes but our hearts for the celebration of Christ’s birth. It reminds us that God chose to step into humanity, taking on flesh to bring salvation and hope to the world. As Luke 2:11 proclaims: “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ, the Lord.” Advent calls us to reorient our focus. Amid the holiday rush, it beckons us to embrace wonder, awe, and gratitude, experiencing the nativity story with fresh eyes and letting the glory of the Incarnation stir our spirits. This Advent season, join us as we journey through our message series, On The Way to Bethlehem, exploring the movement of the Christmas story. Let us renew our longing to see God’s glory, seek Him earnestly, and draw closer to Him. Don’t forget to join us for the conclusion of this advent journey At The Stable: Christmas Eve services at 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. Together, let’s worship and reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth. -Pastor Ray
Friends and Family of Front Street UMC and Readers of Frontline Newsletter, Communication and transparency are always a front running goal when it comes to church life here at Front Street UMC. We have always prioritized keeping you up to date on the inner and outer workings of the church; in huge part because we want you to know what good and amazing work you are supporting by your gifts to this church. The goal of communication remains just as important as ever; as does our goal of being good stewards of the gifts from both you and office personnel. In order to continue being a good steward of those resources the Visioning Committee (Church Council) has approved the discontinuation of our printed Frontline Newsletter. This printed newsletter will continue through the summer months, and starting September 1 the newsletter will transition to a digital format. There is nothing that you need to do at this time in order to receive the digital newsletter. If you are subscribed to the Happenings emails you will see the changes reflected there. If you do not have an email address please contact the church office and we will make sure you are still receiving information about church life. If you are not currently receiving emails from the church and would like to, please share your email address with us here or call the church office. Again, communication and transparency are important tools to keep all of us connected as God intends. We are forever thankful for the ways God has worked through your lives to support this missional outpost of Front Street UMC. We thank God for all the ways we grow together. - Pastor Stephan
I don’t carry cash much these days, but every now and then I find myself with a little bit. Typically after a birthday or some moment where a loved one gave me cash as a congratulations. On one occasion I was gifted a crisp $100 bill. Wow! When I finally decided to break it I was paying for lunch for my family. At this point our family of four can easily cost $60 in one outing. The bill was something like $68. When I put the bill on the tray to pay, the waiter came by to collect it. They took a quick glance and asked me, “would you like your change?” What I wanted to say was, “the service was great, but not $32 great!” And what I actually said was, “Yes, please.” It makes me wonder, though. When we attempt to do good in someone else’s life by giving money or goods either directly or through a ministry like a church donation, do we ever ask for our change? Or do we manage to always give exactly the right amount so that we’re not due any change back? Let me put it another way… When you share the abundant love of Christ with another person who is in need somehow, do you expect to receive even a fraction of that love back from them? Maybe not. Maybe because you don’t want to be rude. Or maybe because you know that kind of change won’t just go back into your spiritual wallet. That kind of change, to receive love back from someone different than you and someone who seems to need more than you… that change changes you. It makes you realize you also are a child of God in need of love and care. It makes you realize that others have an abundance of what you need. So as you give generously of your resources to those in need, let me ask you… Would you like your change? -Pastor Stephan
Dear Family and Friends of Front Street United Methodist Church, Undoubtedly you may have heard that the General Conference of our denomination has removed The United Methodist Church’s ban on the ordination of clergy who are “self-avowed practicing homosexuals” — a prohibition that dates to 1984. (The General Conference is the ruling body of our church. Its delegates are elected from every Annual Conference around the world and its delegates are equally laity and clergy.) Many of you, we are sure, may be asking “What does this mean for Front Street?” It means we, like all United Methodist, will be known as a people on a journey, learning how to be extravagant givers of God’s mercy, grace and love. We, like many of you, have no idea what it is to be a gay, lesbian or a queer person. But we do know what it is to be excluded, marginalized and made to feel less than others. As Disciples, we desire never to be ones who marginalize people of any race, gender or orientation. The One we follow clearly modeled that he stood alongside those whom culture and religion tossed aside or judged, and commands us to do likewise. The General Conference action does not require clergy to perform same-sex marriages, nor does it require churches allow same-sex marriages to occur in a local church sanctuary. But it does protect churches and clergy who choose to perform and hold same-sex marriage ceremonies. We have been asked by some of you, “Will a gay or lesbian clergy be appointed to our church?” In our denomination, appointment of clergy is done “in consultation with the local church [through the Staff Parish Relations Committee], the District Superintendent and Bishop.” We must remember a bishop would not want to appoint a clergy-person to a church who they perceive may not be received well. It would not be fair to the clergy or the church. We have a long and established reputation of being a welcoming, mercy-giving, grace-filled, loving people in service to the world for Jesus Christ our Lord. We will continue to be so to the very best of our abilities. And, our mission to serve the people of Burlington and Alamance county, just as Christ is serving them, remains the goal and focus for all of us, the people of Front Street. Here is the United Methodist News post and a letter written to a local church by one of the greatest Bishops we have ever encountered, Bishop Ken Carter. Bishop Will Willimon precedes with a short praise of Bishop Carter’s words. The letter expresses our hearts as pastors better than we are capable of putting in ink. Bishop Carter has preached in camp meetings, prisons and jails, college and university chapels, megachurches and house churches, and in twenty countries on four continents. He was a local church pastor in the Western North Carolina Conference for twenty-eight years. Thank you for all you do for the Reign of our Lord Jesus Christ! In Christ’s Grip, Pastors Ray and Stephan
Can anyone explain why the more we attempt to control things, the less peace we have? The issue with attempting to control everything is that we become the divine force of our own lives. We attempt to control what isn't controllable—that is the reason control is a deception, a facade. There are great many factors we have zero control over. Try not to be hoodwinked about it! We endeavor to control our conditions when we want our external day to day routines to fulfill our inward lives. If we desire peace in our lives, it would be tremendously helpful if we can relinquish the things that are really not an option for us to change. Jesus himself reminded us not to stress over what we would eat or wear yet entrust God with everything about our lives (Luke 12:22-26). Might you at any point control how your children act? Of course, you can lead them into becoming kind and loving persons (and please do), however you have zero control over their souls. They are their own people. We find this as they become teenagers! Might you at any point control how your friends and co-workers treat you? Might you at any point control the climate? Could you at any point control interruptions that happen multiple times a day? Could you at any point control traffic? Might you at any point control how a stranger treats you? Treating your spouse with adoration and regard will pay off. But at any point can you control them? On the off chance that you have been married for any time at all, you realize the response is an absolute “no”! So why do we often attempt to do so? Knowing we can influence, and not control, gives everyone around us a great deal of liberation, grace, mercy, and joy. Well, that is, IF we give up control. Do want those you love to feel joy and peace? Do you want them to know mercy and grace? Then be loving influencers, and let go of control. Even our Lord God doesn’t control us, only invites us to walk with him, live like him, and experience loving freedom, joy, and peace. -Pastor Ray
